happy birthday?
Birthdays are never my favourite days - too much to reflect on and such a deep feeling of “oh no”. But this birthday is harder than others. I usually have a chill morning doing normie things, and have a party in the evening to distract from everything.
Today though I woke up in an unfamiliar place with rain hitting the windows. While I’m staying with lovely hosts, with a whole little bunkhouse to myself, their culture is so different - it’s Oreo’s for breakfast and McDonalds for dinner, a television that’s endlessly on, and so many pets that each step has to be taken with care. My clumsy feet, anti-consumerist vegan diet, and apathy for televised sensationalism feel jarring. But these people are so deeply caring, and kind. As I walked in this morning to brush my teeth, they’d already put porridge on and greeted me with a joyous happy birthday!
This, in combination with the texts, voice notes, and videos from friends back home felt so lovely. But the contrast between strangers in person and friends online makes reality feel hollow. Actions, that from close people feel heartfelt, feel insincere from strangers - and having friends stuck in digital space makes them feel remote.
I feel like now I’d say “despite this! *something positive!* but today that’s hard. Yesterday a cyclist asked “Are you always like this? Happy?” and pretty much yeah. There’s always a little spark inside me that is happy. Sometimes it’s overwhelmed and I have to try hard to eek it out. Others times it’s overwhelming and I feel like my soul could explode with joy. Today is an overwhelmed day though. That little spark has to contest with recognising the mistakes I’ve made in the last year, how far I have to go for all the goals I set myself, and the impermanence of everything. But I think I spend so much time looking for good every other day of the year, that it’s okay for my birthday to be hit a little with reality.
But - since it’s my birthday! A cheeky ask. It would brilliant if you could donate to this trip for Rape Crisis. I’ve hit the 1000 mile mark (more on that another time!) and seeing us fund a charity that helps others find that spark of joy after trauma would be the best birthday present possible. The link is here or click the donate button below :)
