first exams fini
I’m on the way back to Swansea, a little sleep deprived with two bags keeping me pressed against the train window to watch bare branches and rail cables contrast the homogenously grey sky. My little “on the train to-do list” sits on the little-r table in front of me
Gambia task list
Emails (Matthews House re: bake sale and next event, NC4K bike, BMA activity)
Review spinal week
NC4K blog post.
Let’s tick that last one off.
With exams and bank holidays done for now, there’s an opportunity to fall back into a regular schedule. Looking through my Strava I can see how much fitter I used to be, and how different my schedule used to be. With my commute I would cycle >2 hours daily, and fit in another 1-2 hours in the gym too. But I didn’t use to have so many demands on my time.
How do surpass that level of fitness while having less time?
Stick to a plan.
I suspect, from the outside, I look like I’m an efficient person. I do lots of things, and appear to spend minimal time doing nothing. But I miss workouts in favour of lying in, I procrastinate away afternoons by scrolling on my phone, and lose evenings to late notice chances to hang out with friends. Instead, let’s stick to a plan.
That means waking up early, like 5am early. Cycling and gymming before lectures start. Staying on campus until I finish what I say I’ll finish. Going to bed early, so I can repeat the same the next day. It’s a level of consistency and discipline I’ve slowly moved away from, and not without reason.
At 16, I couldn’t deviate from a plan without tendrils of panic sneaking into my thoughts and feelings. I had to check menus before dinners, plan my day in 20 minute intervals, and would say no to anything unexpected. That is far away from the person I am today, but the risk of regressing into anxious-control-freaky Sarah is there.
So let’s see if we can take the best of both; emotionally stable and disciplined, consistent and adaptable. To do that, I’ll need to recover properly with rest days and plentiful eating, make space for flexible plans like time with loved ones, and accept that I might not always feel amazing (like when it’s raining and I need to pull myself away from friends to go ride). It’s that buzz word, balance.
But balance feels misaligned with the challenge I’m taking on, and the reason why. Racing to Norway is not “balanced”. It’s over two weeks of unsupported cycling through rural Europe with everything I need strapped to my bike. Baby J’s heart is not “balanced”, with its absent left chambers, leaving the right side to compensate. And I’m sure many would look to Baby Js parents and comment their life lacks “balance”, with all the hours spent working and parenting. But when you see Baby J now, face rounder and complexion brighter, you see that balance isn’t the stereotyped self-care evening and saying no at work. It comes in ebbs and flows, and is entwined with the people around us. Balance isn’t a static notion to save us from burnout. It’s dynamic and responsive, and sometimes unattainable.
