A little contrast

trigger warning: i briefly talk about clinical and police procedures which could be uncomfortable for some folks

Yesterday the origin of this challenge was pressed tightly against the progress it’s making. We hit the 3k mark for fundraising, got camping gear sorted, confirmed arrangements for the bike and clothing - lots of great stuff! (more to follow on that!)

But on the same day, I was faced with where I haven’t yet healed. Getting a new IUD in a sexual health clinic took me back to the forensic examination completed for the police the day I was raped. 

The contrast of my trauma with the progress of the challenge was unexpected - feeling so supported and grateful while feeling so broken and vulnerable was unsettling, but it’s reality.

There will be times where I find more patches of unhealed trauma, moments where I’m overwhelmed by memory. But they become less frequent as I grow bigger than my pain, and that pain dulls. But for now, maybe it’s worth thinking a little less indestructible and instead a little more self-healing. It’s okay to acknowledge that some things are overwhelming, but resilience runs on a long timeline.

The deep and constant breaths I took during the appointment, while not keeping me entirely grounded, meant I could complete the procedure. And while I did cry and panic in public, I was able to stop and reconnect to reality without someone stepping in. Evidently, I’ve not overcome as much as I thought I had, but it is still progress towards that ideal - something I didn’t think was possible 18 months or so ago. It felt like I’d be broken forever, and yet! I’m not even close to it. 

But what’s the point of this blog post? It’s got a few, jumbled intentions.

The first, to recognise the irony of having such a heavy day when we reached 3K. 

The second, to admit that I’m not 100% healed - but no one is. Strength comes in adaptation.

The third, to show that something being hard is an entirely different thing to it being impossible.