11.. 10.. 9..

This post was going to start as to-do list of sorts, shared on the 11th. A chance to order my thoughts and share 10 last minute jobs to prep for NC4K to show the slight chaos and strong anxiety going on in the final 9 days before the race. An attempt to mirror the constant sense of dwindling time with bits and bobs of what’s going on. But it turns out, there's not too much to do, even if it feels like there is. 

There’s the buzz of excitement, a smidge of anxiety, tip-toeing on the edge of overwhelmed (“whelm-ing”), infrequent moments of calm that swell into happiness then collapse into worry. With this, thoughts stumble in and out of my mind, time moves incoherently, and everything feels like it's accelerating beyond control.

Three weeks ago revision started for exams. We had full(er) days in the library, shorter gym sessions, and nudged responsibilities to be done “after exams”. Last Thursday, exams finished. After celebrating, responsibilities hit. Higher mileages. Getting kit. Finding a bike. Rep meetings. Job interviews. Lectures. Saying goodbye to 1st year. I thought I could swing straight into everything after exams. I was wrong. 

A burst tyre, twisted seat, and bent mech hanger without a bike tool left me stranded in The Gower. Thanks to a generous friend, I was picked up and dropped off at home for a blissful cup of tea and endless biscuits. Bottomless chat, and several minor disasters, cascaded into a day of painting on the beach, phone calls with family, and giving my brain a rest from worrying. 

In doing so, the rest of this week has felt less chaotic. The numerous tasks haven’t disappeared, but I’m back to comfortably whelming. I’ve still got to plot my route, day-by-day, with possible food, water, and sleep spots tagged (and check that I can actually fit all my gear onto my bike). But regardless, the last week has reminded me how much emotions can vary, and that their impact on what I do is determined by how ready I am to acknowledge them.